Irony Defined

*irony (n.) Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs*

I would say that my parents were pretty strict as I was growing up. They always knew where I was going, when I was going, when I was coming home, and who I was going with. Every time the phone rang, and it was for me, I would hear, "Who was that?", when I hung up. I had a strict bedtime. My mom was very insistent that I eat well balanced, healthy meals, and we rarely had any snacks in the house. I wasn't allowed to drink pop, except on special occasions. My mom used to snag my tapes and read the words, then hide the ones she didn't approve of. I wasn't allowed to see rated R movies. I had to go to school unless I had a fever (which I very rarely ever do), or threw up, (which I've only done 3 times in my life). My parents monitored what I watched on tv - my mom had MTV blocked. I am certainly not saying all this to make you think my parents were mean. They just loved me and wanted the best for me. I understand that now.

Now that I am a mom, I am what most people would consider "strict". I don't give Dylan sweets, except on a few rare occasions. The only tv I have let him watch to this point is Steeler football games that are on in the afternoon, because we have to watch the games, man, and his signing videos. (I am definately not trying to start a debate here, this is just the choice that I have made for now).

My parents were here babysitting Dylan while I worked on Thursday. When I got home, my dad told me, "Dylan was pointing to the tv. He wanted to watch his video(signing), but I couldn't figure out how to get it to work. We turned a cartoon on for a few minutes, but then I thought you wouldn't like that, so I turned it off".

Even though I wasn't there, he felt guilty about not following "my rules"!!!

And, that, my friends, is IRONIC.

He Said Icken Uggets

Well, I started a new part-time nanny gig today. This time around, I will be working with twin boys who will be 3 in May, and a girl who just turned 6. Yesterday, when I took Dylan for a playdate, and I was telling the other mom about the new job, she said "Are you crazy?!" Why yes, I am! Thank you so much for noticing! Hmmpphh.

It actually went pretty well, for a first day in a strangers home with a strangers children. There was the little incident with Twin B pooping in his diaper (he's not potty trained yet), and hiding under an end table while me and big sis searched the house, until I was starting to panic, but hey, just a minor glitch. I mean, we did find him, eventually. (You gotta count your blessings in this line of work).

Twin B really didn't say two words to me after his mom left. Twin A, on the other hand, was pretty chatty. Problem was, I had NO IDEA what the heck he was saying most of the time.

Me: "What do you want for lunch?"
Twin A: "Iggin urrets!"
Me: "Uh, huh. Okay. Interpreter? Oh, Interpreter?"
Big Sis: (Giggling) "What now?"
Me: "I'm not quite sure what Iggin urrets are. Could you help me out there?"
Big Sis: "He said Icken uggets!....Chicken nuggets"
Me: "Well, yea. That makes total sense".

I really do love how kids think. These were a couple of gems from Big Sis...
-Isn't it funny how the number ten is a one and a zero, but if you switch the numbers it's not 10 anymore? (Whoa, that is heavy.)

My favorite:
Big Sis: What is your one wish?
Me: What do you mean?
Big Sis: If you could wish on a falling star, what would your one wish be? (Aye, Carumba, this kid is going to make me think!)

You Really Had To Be There

Dear Dylan,

There is no way that I can explain to someone who wasn't sitting at our dinner table tonight how funny you are. I can be so stressed out, and be ready to scream and go into Ugly Mommy Mode, and then you do something that makes me almost fall off my chair laughing. You must have grown overnight, because suddenly, and without warning, you are now able to pull things down off the dining room table and the kitchen counter. This is not funny - at all. So after you pulling down dirty plates, papers, pens, etc. I was starting dinner out cranky. Then you started the whining. Dylan, you know I can't take the whining.

By about the third thing I gave you, (peas), I guess you were starting to get bored. I turned to look at you, and caught you with your hand in mid air, just about to drop a whole handful of peas on the floor. I snarled, "Hey!", and gave you "The Eyebrows", and you sharply inhaled, went "Ooooohh!", and slowly, (while not taking your eyes off me), moved your hand over top of the tray, and opened your fingers...Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. I know, I know. If I laugh hysterically every time I try to discipline you, or tell you not to do something, it might not work as well as I'd like, but that really cracked me up.

Of course, since you got such a reaction, and you love to be included in all jokes, you did it again. Then, you giggled hysterically at yourself. So, of course, I had to laugh some more...and again...and again...and again. Just for future reference, there is a certain time frame to funny stuff, sweetie, and by the 20th time or so, almost everything funny, ceases to be funny anymore.

I Love You,
Mommy

If You Were A Fly On Our Wall

-(Dylan was making dinner...LOUD)

Me: I can't stand dinner time! He turns into a raving lunatic? He's like a...like a...
Jim: Gremlin you fed after midnight?


-(Jim was explaining how his boss sent out an email, asking people to please not leave their dirty dishes in the sink.)

Jim: I hope X told her it wasn't me, because she already knows, err, I mean thinks I'm a slob.
Me: Busted!! (I am always telling him he is a slob, and he is always denying it)


- (Jim and I were sitting on the couch, after Dylan went to bed. Jim was working on his laptop, and I was watching Oprah's Big Give. A group of contestants opened their package to see what their task was this week, and there was a skateboard inside.)

Me: Wow! That is a SWEEEEET board! I want it!
Jim: (Looking at me with a mix of slight amusement/ slight astonishment) What did you just say?!
Me: (Realizing I sound like an idiot, but unwilling to let it show) I said that board is sweet. I want one.
Jim: You want one?!
Me: Yea, I wanna be a skate rat...and a drummer.
Jim: (After a pause) Are you having a mid-life crisis?
Me: (Laughing, then growing serious) Yes, yes, I think I am.
Jim: Just don't come home with a Corvette, okay?
Me: Okay. (I don't even like Corvette's, but that board was SWEEET)

Easter Joy

Two years ago, on Easter, we got my parents and Jim's parents to line up for a picture. Jim was videotaping, and I took the picture. "Say Cheese!" Smiles, Flash. "Oh, I don't like that one. Let's do another one". Jim - "Say....Jen's Pregnant!!" Blink. Blink. Mouths dropping open. Uncomfortable laughter. A hesitant, "Wait, is she really?" "ARE YOU?!?" The affirmation. Then, general chaos and bedlum. We had all been waiting for two unbelievably long years for that moment. Two years of "trying" - two years of failing, two years of calculating days, two years of ovulation kits, two years of peeing on sticks once a month, two years of convincing myself every month that if I was tired, moody, craving something, had a headache, cried for no reason, etc. I was pregnant, two years of waiting, two years of life feeling like it was on hold, and I.Was.Pregnant. I could hardly wrap my head around it.

Easter a year later...




This year, as I watched Dylan very seriously looking around my parent's living room for eggs to put in his basket, and I realized that I had made the announcement in that very spot just 2 years previous, my breath caught in my throat. The enormity of it all still hits me at random moments and makes my heart ache, actually ache with happiness. When he toddles over to me, wraps his arms around my neck, and says "Ma, Ma" while patting my back, I know there is no better feeling in this world. For the rest of my life, Easter will hold a special place in my heart.

Happy Easter!

Well, here it is almost Easter, and the weather is still in the low 40's. Why the heck is Easter in March this year, anyway? Who decides this, and where can I reach them, because I'd like to give them a piece of my mind. What about the Easter egg hunts outside? Darling little children in their spring dresses and crisp button shirts, will be darling children in sweaters, winter coats and hats, getting hot chocolate after they freeze their little butts off looking for Easter eggs hidden in the SNOW! Yes, it is supposed to snow tonight. Grrrrr.

On Monday Dylan has a playdate scheduled with his new girlfriend. As of today, he has a runny nose, consistently leaking left eye, and a big pimple on his chin. Isn't that just the way? Sounds like my dating years.

Oh well, have a great Easter everyone!

Just Wondering

These are just a few of the things I've been pondering today. This will show you how my mind works...

1. Why are the handles on toothbrushes getting bigger and bigger? Are we all such lazy slobs that we can no longer hold onto a regular sized toothbrush long enough to brush? None of the new ones fit in the holes of the toothbrush holder, so its not exactly a "toothbrush HOLDER" anymore, is it? Am I the only one who wants to scream and throw the "toothbrush holder" or yet another honkin' big toothbrush out the window?

2. Why did I choose to play the flute in school? I remember vividly the day that the instrument people came to school and we were able to hear and even try the different instruments to decide which we wanted to learn to play. I must not have tried the drums, is all I can figure. I recently bought Dylan the Bee Bop Band music set from Parents toys, that comes with a drum and a pretty darn cute set of sticks. I had no idea what a stress reliever beating on the drums could be! I guess the word "beating" should have been a clue. Dylan is looking at me all, "Hey! Whose toy is this anyway?", and I'm all "Hey, man! I need my sticks! I gotta rock out! Come back here with those sticks!"

3. What is it about my kid being sick that releases some kind of superpower amount of patience in me? He has a runny nose today, his left eye has been watering constantly, and he keeps sneezing. So, he has a cold, or spring allergies, or it is from his molars coming in? I don't know. I kept him inside today, but do I keep him in again tomorrow, while he and I waste away in boredom? Don't you wonder what doctors with kids worry about? Don't they always know what to do?

4. What is the deal with Anne Geddes? Why hasn't Child Services come to take her away? She is disturbed, in my estimation. If babies in dirt filled flower pots, with fake flowers coming out of their heads passes for art these days, I for one am a bit concerned.

5. When in the capital H is spring arriving in the Burgh this year? I think the weather is a bit confused on the "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb" thing. What really gets me is the rare occasion that I watch the local news. What is with the newscasters and the har, har, we are just normal people after all silly banter that occcurs every time it is the poor weather guy's turn. Their voices raise an octave as they screech, "Joe! What are you doing to us? Chuckle, chuckle", as if Joe is single handedly in control of the weather, and he is just a mean, horrible man intent on punishing all of us with more cold weather.

6. And this one might be the most confusing to me...Why did I get only 2 comments on my last post? It means either no one is reading my stuff, or no one felt like commenting. Both explanations suck like a Hoover.

That is all I have to say at this time.

Almost A Tragedy

Once there were two brothers. Their names were Creativity and Imagination. When they were born, they inspired awe from anyone in their presence. They were unlike anything anyone had ever seen before. They were beautiful in their innocence.

When Creativity and Imagination were young, they were permitted to roam free and uninhibited. They painted bright, vibrant pictures, with paint that spilled off the canvases. They danced, and spun in circles with unparalled enthusiasm, to songs they created. They tromped through rain puddles, made massive mud cakes, built amazing snow forts, and splashed in the pool until their fingers became pruney. They jumped in huge piles of leaves, chased bubbles as big as their heads, and chased each other through the tall grass in the field behind their home.

They were the kings of make believe. One day, they were pirates, off to search for hidden treasure. The next day, they were lion tamers, performing in the circus. They were happy. They laughed a lot. Life was fun, exciting, and new.

The day came when it was time for Creativity and Imagination to go to school. They were very excited. They couldn't wait to learn everything there was to know about the wonderful world they lived in.

School started out great, but over time it became apparent that Creativity and Imagination were different from the others. Their teacher asked them, "Why can't you just be like everyone else?" Creativity and Imagination couldn't understand this. "Why would we want to do that? How boring!", they exclaimed.

Before long, a horrible bully named Conformity started picking on them. He seemed to follow them everywhere, making comments like, "You're supposed to color in the lines! That's not what a tower of blocks should look like! Why are you dancing like that? You look ridiculous. Why did you make the horse purple? Everyone knows a horse is brown! You don't do anything right!" Conformity beat them down little by little everyday until they started to doubt themselves. They began to lose their enthusiasm and their joy. Their teachers always seemed to side with Conformity, which only made them more and more quiet and lackluster. They began to doubt their worth, and they felt that no one wanted them around.

As they grew older, they began to lose all the wonderful qualities that made them who they were. They stopped growing and flourishing and just retreated into themselves more and more until no one even paid much attention to them.

Their mother, Truth, decided that she could not sit by and watch her children be pushed aside any longer. She went to a meeting held at the school, and when it came time for the parents to voice any concerns or questions they had, she stood. She trembled a bit, at first, because sometimes it was hard for Truth to speak, and often times, people did not want to hear what she had to say. She started softly at first, but her voice grew louder and stronger as she went. By the time she finished, ..."and I think that this school should realize how lucky it is to have Creativity and Imagination in it's classrooms!", the crowd was on its feet. The parents started to applaud, and they reached down to squeeze their children closer to them, finally seeing them for the uniqueness that made them special.

From that day forward, Creativity and Imagination flourished. They affected everyone they knew. People were better having known them. They grew to accomplish many amazing, miraculous things in their lives, and they were loved and worshipped by society. They were heroes, and Truth, who could be said to be a hero herself, was proud. Very, very proud.

A Favor

They say "ask, and you shall receive", so I'm asking. I need a favor from all of you. You got my back, right? You see, if I haven't mentioned this before, I am a planner, a schemer, a dreamer. I almost always have at least 3 ideas I'm working on at one time. That might explain why most of them never get done. I think I have trouble FOCUSING. Can adults have ADD? Nah.

Anyway, this is what I need each of you who reads this crazy blog to do... I need you to tell me 3-5 of the funniest posts you've read of another blogger or bloggers. (They need to be about raising children, in some way. Not my posts, either). I also need you to tell me 3-5 of the funniest posts you have written about raising your own kids.

If it helps you to think of this as a meme, then do that. If you hate meme's and it takes you months to do them, then just think of this as a big favor you are doing a very grateful friend. If you want to ask your other bloggy friends to do it, that would be very helpful, but now I'm just annoying you, aren't I?

(P.S. I'll let you in on the scheme at a later date).
Added Note: Sorry, I guess I was a bit vague. If you could give me links to the posts, that would be great, or even just a link to someone's blog that you think is really funny. Also, links to your funny posts. Thanks!

The Science Center

Today we took Dylan to The Science Center for the first time. Our friends have a membership, so we got in free! Time with friends we don't see often enough, new discoveries for Dylan, and very little money spent - Triple Score!!! I haven't been to the Science Center since I was in my 20's, (you know, last week sometime), and took a group of 24 preschoolers there on a field trip. The place must have added a few floors in the meantime, because holy crap, the amount of stuff in the place is mind boggling. Four floors, (or was it five? I lost track). We probably only saw half of the stuff.

There was a giant train display, robots shooting basketballs, all sorts of scientific experiments, an aquarium, water play, ball play area, etc, etc. I think Dylan's favorite thing about the whole place were the ramps from floor to floor. We put him down, and SWOOSH, he was off like a rocket, legs churning, butt wiggling, arms going, and a big old goofy grin with a few squeals for good measure. It's not too hard to make that kid happy. Give him a big open space and maybe a big chunk of cheese and the kid is in toddler heaven.



By about the third floor, I started to become perplexed about something. When did I get old?! When exactly did that happen, and why didn't anyone tell me? I was exhausted. Did I mention that I chased 24 preschoolers around the place without breaking a sweat last week - (or, you know, whenever that was)? So, either I got old, or they have started pumping sleeping gas through the pipes of the place, because I just...needed a nap.

Dylan fell asleep practically before we were out of the parking lot, and slept the whole ride home. So did I. Then, when we got home...

Two hours later, when I rudely woke him up when I "tromped through the room", he was beyond grouchy. I made dinner, and you should have seen him put away the food! The Science Center took a lot out of him. All of us, apparently. Good thing we took him now, because next time I might need a walker.

My Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a Queen who loved children. She spent many days overlooking the children in the kingdom, and she was happy for the most part. In spite of her happiness, she felt that something was missing.

Then, one glorious day, a prince was born unto the King and Queen, and the kingdom rejoiced. The Queen was certain that she had never beheld such a beautiful child, or felt such joy, and the King was beaming with pride.

Life changed quite drastically in the royal castle. The noise that echoed through the royal halls was quite deafening for a time, and the Queen feared she would lose her royal mind.

Soon, however the prince was toddling around the castle at full speed, and charming everyone with his smiles. Much rejoicing was done by the Queen, that she had survived the little prince's first year with her royal sanity more or less intact.

Then, on an ordinary day, like any other, the little prince, who was twelve and three months by that time, fell while playing on the royal throne, and hit his head. The Queen, who was across the room, checking her royal correspondence, observed his fall, and a gasp escaped from the Queen's lips.

Before the Queen could even get up, the little prince ran to her with his arms outstretched, wrapped his arms tightly around her neck, and placed his head on her shoulder. The Queen felt the warmth of his embrace and the softness of his cheek against hers. She kissed his royal head, breathed in the intoxicating smell of his hair, and knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is what she was meant to do. She was always meant to be the little prince's mom.

The Queen's heart was full. All was right in the kingdom, and the Queen lived happily ever after, loving the King and the Prince.

The End.

A Good Day

I knew yesterday was going to be a good day, when I came downstairs in the morning to find this...

The two of them were engrossed, watching Dylan video from a few months
ago, on the computer. Honestly, sometimes when I look at the two of
them together, I have to walk out of the room, and compose myself,
because they are so darn cute.
In spite of the Blizzard that was supposed to be hitting the Burgh at
that very moment, (it was raining), Dylan and I ventured out for a
playdate with reality star Alexis from Burgh Baby.
I tried not to be star struck, and she mostly played it cool herself,
choosing to mostly talk to her agent. That's okay, I WILL win her over,
and make her LOVE me, (not in a stalkerish way, mind you). Dylan played
it cool, himself, keeping his flirtatious nature in check.
The two adults didn't get to talk much, since every time I would get
settled in to discuss quantum physics or existentialism, (since that is
what I discuss on his playdates, you know), Dylan would take off
running to another section of the building. Every once in a while,
Alexis would come looking for him, and he would promptly and rudely
leave the area. Not to worry, though, she got him back later, when we
left, by not saying goodbye, or even waving at him. Just when we got
settled into the car, and were about to brave the treacherous ride home
in the Blizzard(it had finally started snowing), Alexis appeared at the
window because "she was upset that she didn't say goodbye to Dylan".
Too cute.
Jim got his work done while we were out, and then we spent the rest of
the evening being amused by Dylan doing things like this...

Can you hear him saying "AHH" after he takes a sip?

This kid is not a homebody! He wanted to go back out, and kept trying
to put his coat back on. Maybe he felt bad that he had played it so
cool with Alexis, and wanted to go find her?

The Mom's Club Meeting

I don't usually take Dylan to the Mom's Club monthly meetings, because well, duh, what am I going to do with a fidgety 15 month old during a meeting? Today, however, I had to make an exception. They were having a speaker - a "published children's book author from Pittsburgh", (whose name I will not reveal - don't worry, you've never heard of him anyway). Since my dream in life is to become a published children's book author, or just a published author in general, I had to be there to hear what this guy was going to say. Maybe I could chat with him, win him over, get him to send copies of my ideas to his agent, work with his publisher, meet all his other author friends, etc. Now I am laughing, as I write this, at the way my warped, overly optimistic, dreamer mind works. Holy Crappity, Ding Dong, was I offbase on that one.

Before I could listen to the guy's talk, I had to face my overly protective mommy fears, and leave my kid with the complete stranger in charge of the children while the meeting was held. Up to this point, Dylan has only been left with grandparents, our friend and very trusted babysitter, Rachel, and once with our friend Holly. All people he knew. Now, I have told you that he is social, but he is also a bit cautious at first when he is around new people. He is also a bit clingy lately.

It didn't matter. Within five seconds of entering, my daycare-teacher-days brain was shouting, "OUT OF RATIO! OUT.OF.RATIO!" It was also going into overdrive with all the "Not-safe! Not safe! Not safe!" alarms that were going off. There was one frazzled looking woman, in a room with TEN children, most of them toddlers. When I entered the room, she did not greet me, or Dylan. In fact, the whole 10 minutes I stayed in the room observing the madness, she did not speak to me once. Other mothers dropped off their children, and she didn't even ask the child's name, or age. A mother asked about a sign in sheet, and the frazzled lady looked around for one, found it, let her sign in, and never once glanced at the book.

Frazzled lady started handing out cookies, probably in the hopes of keeping 10 little mouths quiet. One child bumped his head on a table, and started bawling, so she handed him a cookie. An older child went over to console him. Then frazzled lady went over to a child who had abandoned a puzzle, saying, "I THOUGHT you wanted to do this puzzle?!" The boy asked if she could help him with it. That was when she made The Mistake. The Mistake that anyone who has ever worked with children of any age should learn before they even step foot in a classroom. She sat down with her back to the room, and consequently, the children. You NEVER, NEVER, turn your back on them. Your back should always be facing a wall. I don't care if you have to stand against the wall, sit against the wall, slide your butt along the length of the wall. Your back faces the wall, folks. Learn it. Live it. Love it. I looked over at Dylan, who was standing in a corner, staring wide eyed at the madness. I realized there was no way that she could see him, or at least half of the other kids in the room from where she was, scooped up Dylan and our stuff, and left. Don't worry. She didn't even notice.

I told Dylan, "Well, that went well, huh?", plopped our butts down in a chair(close to the door) in the meeting room, and got my arsenal of tricks ready, (puffs, cheerios, fruit snacks, crackers, and milk in a sippy cup). Amazingly enough, that kept him amused long enough for me to hear the speaker.

One of the first things the guy said was that "getting a book published is about as likely as getting hit by lightning". Wow, that's encouraging. I think he missed his calling as an inspirational speaker. Excuse me while I go stand in the rain...with an umbrella...in an open field. Then, I found out that he is a "self-published author" of three children's books. There went the agent, publisher, and other author contacts he was supposed to be giving me. He kept spattering off facts like, "I've sent out about 2500 emails, and I've only been on 5 radio shows", etc. until I was in a depressed funk, curled up in a fetal position on the floor with Dylan bouncing on my ribs. So, it's hard. I get it.

Are any of you people friends/family/owed money by an agent or publisher? Are any of you agents or publishers? No? Okay, I'll just be over here on the floor then.

A Saturday Night With A Toddler

Dear Dylan,

Tonight was ridiculous. You know that don't you? You usually do such a good job at restaurants. I mean, usually as long as I keep shoving the food at you, you are pretty content to be out of the house. Usually, you sit in your highchair, you charm everyone around you, and you keep the noise to a minimum. Usually people around us are smiling, and commenting on your cuteness. Tonight...well, you were there. What happened?

Your Confused Mom


Dear Ma-Ma,

We were just sitting there a loooong time, and no one was even coming over! I was bored! There was nothin' cool to look at, and did you see those people around us Ma? They were totally ignoring me! I tried smiling, and babbling at them nicely at first, but then I had to start screaming to get their attention. Then, they were shaking their heads and mumbling about how we should have went to McDonalds or Chuck E Cheese. People are rude, Ma.

Your Insulted Son


Dear Attention Addicted Son,

Yes, dear, people are rude, but screaming and dumping milk on your head usually won't win them over. Then, we had to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, where you were Bad, Boisterous, and Beyond. I mean, YOU are the main reason we had to go there in the first place. If you would keep your mitts out of the garbage can in the kitchen, we wouldn't have to go looking for one that is "toddler proof". When you refused to sit in the cart, or even be held, what happened there?

Your (Shocked At Your Strength) Mom


Dear Ma-Ma,

I don't understand you, Ma-Ma. You begged, and pleaded, and coached me for so long, wanting me to walk. Now, I can, and you want me to sit? In a cart? Or be carried? Like a BABY? It was a big store, Ma. There was so much to see, and touch, and knock down, and learn about. You said you were happy I'm curious about stuff.

Your Curious Son


Dear Using My Words Against Me Son,

Yes, you're right. What was I thinking? But, did you have to make such a scene? Like when you flung yourself on the floor, and went all limp noodle on me, so I couldn't pick you up? Or when I tried to change you in the ladies room, and you walked out when I turned my head for one second? Or when you were running through the store, oblivious to the people you kept running into, while screaming "AAHH! AAHH! AAHH!" People were staring.

Your Embarassed Mom


Dear Ma-Ma,

People were staring? I didn't notice. Ma-Ma! Wasn't it SO FUNNY when we got home, and even though I pretended I couldn't open it in the store, the very first thing I did when Da-Da opened the $60 garbage can box, was lift the lid? That was SO FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(Hiccup)

Your Really Funny Son


Dear Comedian,

No, that really wasn't funny at all. But, you know what was? When Daddy put you IN the $60 garbage can! That was Hilarious!

Your Ma-Ma Who Loves You, Even On Nights Like This One