Saturday, August 23, 2008

Back Online!!!

-It was a hot day in August, and the Verizon employees were sweating, miserable in their tiny cubicles. Suddenly, and without warning, a deranged woman burst through the doors of the building, screaming hysterically, "WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET INTERNET SERVICE?!?" When no one answered her, she screamed, "I'M GOING TO ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME! WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET INTERNET SERVICE?!?"

A brave man approached the crazy woman, and spoke to her in the tone he usually reserved for disgruntled customers. "Ma'am, I can see that you are upset. Is there something I can do for you?"

The woman answered in a strange, robotic voice, "Press 1 if you would like me to speak English. Press 2 if you would like me to speak English with such a strong accent that you couldn't possibly understand a word I'm going to say. Press 3 if you would like me to transfer you to someone else who won't have a clue what you are talking about. Press 4 if you would like me to ask you to hold please, and then promptly hang up on you. Press 5 if you would like me to transfer you to a person who has absolutely nothing to do with your problem. Press 6 if you would like me to apologize profusely for your inconvenience, then continue to do absolutely nothing to help you with your problem. Press 7 if you would like to listen to bad elevator music until your ears bleed".

The man answered, "Ma'am, I'm sorry. I don't understand. What exactly is the problem?"

The crazy woman, whose eyebrows were frightening the man at this point, leaned down, (she was very tall), and glared into the man's face. She spoke slowly, enunciating each syllable. "I.Haven't.Had.Internet.Access.Since.July 25th. JULY 25th!!! Do you know how hard it is to look for a job, to check your emails, to stay in touch with humanity, to balance your bank account, to blog, to do ANYTHING without the internet?!?" Her voice went up an octave as she screeched, "WELL, DO YOU?!?"

Suddenly, the Verizon employees noticed the bat that the deranged woman had been holding behind her back. The woman swung the bat wildly, smashing the man's computer to bits, and then the next person's computer, and then the next, all the while laughing maniacally and saying, "Well, now you do!" -

Okay, so maybe it wasn't quite as dramatic as that. What really happened is Jim spent hours and hours on the phone, making his way through the maze of incompetence, our turn on date getting pushed back again and again and again, until finally yesterday, (Friday), he called Comcast. They are scheduled to come out next Saturday to get us hooked up. If you understand how our luck has been going lately, you can guess what happened next. One day later, (today, Saturday), Verizon called to tell us the internet is ready to go. Yep. But, hey, that means, I'M BAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK! I missed you people!

It's late, and I really have a lot to say/write and I'm going to apologize now, because there is no way I can catch up with all the posts I've missed. If you wrote one that you really, really wanted me to read, and comment on, let me know. Otherwise, I'll start being my faithful self starting tomorrow night. It's great to be back.


Burgh Baby said...

Are you sure it hasn't been since July of LAST year? Because it feels like it's been FOREVER that you've been stuck living in no-Internet hell. Oh, how I've missed you. I was nearly ready to grab my baseball bat and make the story true. Verizon sucks, but I'm so glad you're back!

Soooo, how's the new house? How's Dylan? What's the job situation? How was the move? Get blogging, woman, I need to catch up with you!

Jonny's Mommy said...


Now I can read if you are going through any toddler trials like I am with my Jonathan! Aaargh!

It is driving me crazy!

But also more cute photos of the little guy!

Yeah! Tell us everything, like BB said!

The Girls' Mommy said...

WAHOO!!!! Welcome back!!!

JCK said...

So glad you are back!!!

Hysterical post, although obviously brought you much pain...

Kellan said...

Welcome back and I'm glad you aren't in jail - HA! I'd have been a raving lunatic too!

See you soon - Kellan

Janet said...

That may explain why Windstream was so immediately (and shockingly and very UNUSUALLY) polite and uncharacteristically helpful when I had to call them the other day. They heard from the Verizon people!

Glad you're back. Hope it goes better now and you're getting boxes unpacked and finding your life again.

Joanna said...

Yeah you're back!! You so would have walked with an insanity plea.

Shellie said...

I loved loved loved the fictitious version of the story! I sure hope things settle in soon and you get a job and all those important things!