If you've been reading this blog of mine for any length of time, you've noticed that I don't write like I used to. I've been missing the act of "real writing", instead of just a retelling of events, but I just couldn't find the time to get back to it. So, when I saw this writing prompt over at San Diego Momma, in which you are supposed to write uncensored for only 10 minutes, I knew I had to try it. I never have been good at following the rules, so I ended up writing for 14 minutes, and I ended up at 301 words (it was supposed to be under 150). So, forgive me, but I felt like this was too important to edit, so I'm posting it as is. The prompt was "Write a letter forgiving someone for something they did". Again with the rules thing... it's not a letter, and it's technically not to someone. Wow, now I see where my son gets it! Here it is...
In my grief support group, for our first assignment, I was told to write about my goals for the class. I don't remember everything I wrote, but I remember writing, "get rid of the anger". When Doug died four days before our wedding, I was so angry that I feared it would consume me. My best friend at that time took me to batting cages, and I hit balls and screamed until my hands bled and my energy was depleted, but I was still angry.
Perhaps the hardest part was that I wasn't sure who I was angry at? Doug? For leaving me behind? No. I knew he would have walked through fire to spend just one more day with me. The man who was driving the car and turned in front of him? Surprisingly, no. I couldn't imagine the guilt he must be feeling. It was an accident. I knew that. God? Yes. I guess that was where I focused my anger for a while. How could He cause this to happen? How could this be part of a plan? I wanted to believe in a just and loving God, so eventually I focused my anger at "Life". Life sucked and I hated it. I was really pissed that it put me in such a predicament.
I'm not sure how or exactly when I stopped hating Life. I'm not sure how I came to the realization that I never truly appreciated Life or the people in it until it sucked for a while. I'm not sure how I came to understand that without pain, one cannot truly appreciate joy. But, when I look at my husband and my son, I realize that the anger is completely gone and that Life and I? We're okay. We're more than okay. We're fantastic.