Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Life

If you've been reading this blog of mine for any length of time, you've noticed that I don't write like I used to.  I've been missing the act of "real writing", instead of just a retelling of events, but I just couldn't find the time to get back to it.  So, when I saw this writing prompt over at San Diego Momma, in which you are supposed to write uncensored for only 10 minutes, I knew I had to try it.  I never have been good at following the rules, so I ended up writing for 14 minutes, and I ended up at 301 words (it was supposed to be under 150).  So, forgive me, but I felt like this was too important to edit, so I'm posting it as is.  The prompt was "Write a letter forgiving someone for something they did".  Again with the rules thing... it's not a letter, and it's technically not to someone.  Wow, now I see where my son gets it!  Here it is...

In my grief support group, for our first assignment, I was told to write about my goals for the class.  I don't remember everything I wrote, but I remember writing, "get rid of the anger".  When Doug died four days before our wedding, I was so angry that I feared it would consume me.  My best friend at that time took me to batting cages, and I hit balls and screamed until my hands bled and my energy was depleted, but I was still angry.

Perhaps the hardest part was that I wasn't sure who I was angry at?  Doug?  For leaving me behind?  No.  I knew he would have walked through fire to spend just one more day with me.  The man who was driving the car and turned in front of him?  Surprisingly, no.  I couldn't imagine the guilt he must be feeling.  It was an accident.  I knew that.  God?  Yes.  I guess that was where I focused my anger for a while.  How could He cause this to happen?  How could this be part of a plan?  I wanted to believe in a just and loving God, so eventually I focused my anger at "Life".  Life sucked and I hated it.  I was really pissed that it put me in such a predicament.

I'm not sure how or exactly when I stopped hating Life.  I'm not sure how I came to the realization that I never truly appreciated Life or the people in it until it sucked for a while.  I'm not sure how I came to understand that without pain, one cannot truly appreciate joy.  But, when I look at my husband and my son, I realize that the anger is completely gone and that Life and I?  We're okay.  We're more than okay.  We're fantastic.

6 comments:

Sarah said...

Jen:
This post is beautiful. I can't even imagine...

...but I want to say that this post says so much about your strength and perseverance and honesty...

...and because I can relate in my own way, it makes me feel like a know you better.

Thank you for sharing.

Aunt Snow said...

Powerful.

I sympathize with you for your loss. Yet I am in awe of your strength.

Burgh Baby said...

It's good to see "you" back here. :-)

San Diego Momma said...

Wow, wow, and wow.
I don't know that I could be so strong.
But it's good to know YOU are...and have so much to be thankful for...

XO.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You need to do more writing like this. My favorite part is this:
" . . . screamed until my hands bled and my energy was depleted, but I was still angry." So visceral.

I feel very lucky to have heard this story from you in person. I'm sure Doug would be grateful that you didn't let his death stop you from living a full life.

Brooke said...

Jen -you are a fantastic writer. Would love to see more of it. (who am I to talk... I am totally guilty of the retelling of events stuff!)
And what a great reminder of love and loss and the whole master plan thing. I'm so glad you and Life have reconciled ;D