Wednesday, April 9, 2008

A Session With My New Therapist

Therapist: Hello. I'm Dr. Knowitall. Can I call you Jen?
Me: Sure. Can I call you by your first name?
Therapist: (confused stare) Why do you think you feel the need to do that, Jen?
Me: I don't feel the need to , I'd just like to. It is your name, after all.
T: Does it make you uncomfortable to call me Dr. Knowitall?
Me: No, does it make YOU uncomfortable for me to...oh, never mind, I'll call you Dr. Knowitall.
T: Whatever makes you comfortable, Jen. What would you like to discuss, today?
Me: Oh, I don't know. What would you like to discuss?
T: (Writes something in her notebook) Okay, Jen, why don't you tell me what's been going on in your life lately?
Me: Well, I started a new job, then quit, then took another new job. We are getting our house ready to sell, and looking for a new house. I take care of my son, Dylan, who is 16 months old. I am looking into preschools for him to attend one or two days a week for just a couple hours in the fall. He also has physical therapy twice a month. I'm in a Mom's Club, and I try to attend one or two functions a month. I also try to see my friends from time to time, go on a date with my husband occassionally, and keep up with all the house related stuff. Oh, and I blog, in my spare time.
T: (Writing frantically in her notebook) Whoa, Jen, why don't you back up and start at the beginning? Let's talk about the new job.
Me: The old new job, or the new, new job?
T: (Sighs) The job you have now.
Me: Well, I start the new, new job next week. It appears to be the dream job. The mom seems super nice, and like she will appreciate what I do, which would be great. The kids seem amazingly well behaved, and the pay is great. It all seems a little too good to be true, to be honest.
T: Uh, huh, and how does that make you feel, Jen?
Me: Nervous, anxious, scared, hopeful, and excited.
T: Okay, now, you said you are selling your house? Tell me about that.
Me: Well, we don't live in a great neighborhood. The school district SUCKS... (T raises her eyebrows)...No, really, it sucks! Oh, and you know, I swear our next door neighbor was the one who broke into our house a while back! None of our neighbors talk to us! I don't even know any of their names! I can't get out of there fast enough!
T: Yes, uh, Jen, you are breathing a bit heavy now. Do you need a glass of water?
Me: Yes, please...I just hate our neighborhood, you know. (gulping the water)'t...bad...just...small.
T: So, you are excited about moving?
Me: Yea, but there is so much to do to get the house ready to be put up for sale! It is completely overwhelming! Sometimes my husband gets so overwhelmed, I swear he's lost his mind, so I have to try and be the calm one. I'm looking on the websites at houses, making appointments to look at houses, emailing or calling our realtor, trying to keep my husband on track with what needs done, trying to be the strong, rational, calm I get any credit for all this?! NO!!
T: Jen, you're breathing heavy again. Maybe you should take another drink of water? Why don't we talk about your son for a while?
Me: Dylan...He's 16 months...He's so great, I adore him. He really makes me laugh, and he is such a happy kid. I love to spend time with him. I don't have much time to get things done, though. Have you ever tried to get something done with a 16 month old underfoot?
T: Well, no, I don't have children, Jen.
Me: Oh, well, let me tell you, it isn't easy! I need to keep the house organized, buy groceries, make dinner, clean up dinner, load and unload the dishwasher, schedule Dylan's therapy, shedule Dylan's doctor appointments, do laundry, pay the bills, schedule our social life...When do I have time to do anything for ME?!
T: Jen, not to interrupt, but you seem to be getting a bit worked up...maybe you should take a're breathing heavy again.
Me: (Still talking, and now going faster) Do you know I can't even remember the last time I had a hair cut?! I need to get my vision checked...and get new glasses...and my eyebrows are taking over my face...and I'm growing a mustache...and I need new makeup...and a hair cut...and my hair dyed...and some new clothes that actually fit me...and I got a gift certificate for a massage for Christmas that I haven't even used yet...and I...I just...I can't...what am don't... (I pass out)
T: (Checks watch) Jen, our time is up. Jen? (I'm passed out on the floor) Oh, great! That's the third mom this week! I hate this job.

*(I don't really have a therapist. But, I might need one soon.)*


Jaime said...

haha... funny. I was wondering if you really had a therapist:) Question:answered.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

It's a good thing you said you don't really have a therapist, because I was going to say you could have had that same conversation with me for free. Except, I might have been slightly more helpful. Only slightly, though.

It gets better--promise!

Janet said...

If you do see a therapist, make sure SHE has children. I remember the last time I had an actual professional haircut - October 29 2005. I feel your pain. Rant away to us anytime for free, dearie.

Julia said...

Oh, I love to read your blog and laugh every day :)

Kristi said...

Blogging can be good therapy!!

JCK said...

Perhaps you should be seeing a relaxation specialist? ;) Very funny post, Jen!

Kellan said...

Ho funny!!! I'm passed out on the floor - ACK!!! I loved this.

Hope you had a good weekend, Jen - see you soon - Kellan

Joanna said...

Yeah - it's called motherhood. It does get better but you do lose a bit of your sanity in the process.

Cecily R said...

Ha! That was great!!

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious.....

I don't have as much going on as you do but maybe I can borrow your therapist sometime too?

Elsie Button said...

great piece of writing! sometimes it does feel like everything it getting on top of you, but i find it comes and goes in waves... it will pass - you must MAKE time for yourself and get those eyebrows done!

Kellan said...

Hi Jen - thanks for coming by today. Hope you have a good WEdnesday - see ya - Kellan

JCK said...

Just checking in. Hope all is well.

Shellie said...

That was a great post! I think we can all so relate to it. Just remember, deep cleansing breaths!