Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The One Who Somehow Got Away

When I was dating, my grandma would say to me, "Well, Jenny. There's plenty of fish in the sea!" I would usually reply, "Yea, but grandma, you have to deal with a lot of worms!" This is a story about one of the worms.

We met at a club. I was dancing with my friend Rebecca, when this huge, sweaty guy leaned over to scream something in my ear. "WHAT?!", I screamed back. "DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU, YOU LOOK LIKE KATE JACKSON?", he inquired, grinning at me. I already don't like you. Why start out with a corny line? Just say hello. Kate Jackson?! Puh-lease. Wow, are you sweaty! And...Big. Nothing wrong with that, but, geez, I don't normally date guys who have bigger boobs than I do! Oh please, just go away!

Sometimes people should really go with their first impression, but I didn't. He kept talking to me all night, and I danced with him against my better judgement, and even gave him my phone number when he asked. Why didn't I give him a fake number? Stupid! Because I am lonely and desperate. It has been far too long since I had a date. Sigh. He seemed nice enough. How bad could it be to go on one stinkin' date?

After talking to him several times on the phone, I deemed him "normal", and we planned our first date. Since we lived about an hour away from each other, I told him I would meet him halfway. He said that there was a great place to go, with batting cages, mini golf, go carts, etc.

At the time of this date, I was going to graduate school, living on campus, in a house with 2 friends. Before I left for the date, I went across the hall to tell them where I was going. They were out. Guess I'll tell them about the date later.

The place with the batting cages, mini golf, go carts, etc was fun. The conversation was flowing nicely, and I was enjoying myself. When we did everything there was to do there, I asked "Now what are we doing?" He answered that it was "a surprise", and that we would have to go in his truck. A surprise! I love it when guys plan surprises! How romantic! We continued to talk, as he drove down the road, but at some point I started noticing that we were a bit off the beaten track.

Where is this guy taking me? There's nothing out here! All I see are fields, a few trees, and some cows. Where are we?
"Where did you say we are going?"
"I didn't. It's a surprise".

Right. A surprise. Where could we possibly be going out here in the middle of no where? There are no businesses out here. I haven't even seen a house for probably a mile now! (Looking at him) Why is he grinning like that? Oh my God! OHMYGOD! What if he is... oh, that is ridiculous... he's just a normal guy... THATS WHAT EVERYONE SAYS ABOUT THE MURDERERS, AFTER THEY KILL PEOPLE!!!...oh man, I need to calm down. It's fine. He's just taking me somewhere...

"Could you just give me a hint about where we are going, please?"
"Nope. All I'll say is that I think you're really going to enjoy it".

OHMYGOD! He's going to rape me, then kill me! No one even knows I am out with this guy! No one knows where I am! I didn't even tell anyone his last name! Wonder if Rebecca could pick him out of a lineup?! How many drinks did she have that night? CRAP! I'M GONNA DIE!!

"What? Oh, yes, it is a pretty sunset".
I hope it isn't the last one I ever see! Oh! I like my life. I don't want to die. He might be bigger than me, but I'm not going down without a fight! (Looking at him again) He's huge! What was I thinking? I am weak. There is no way I can fight him off. Didn't I take a self defense class once? Remember, DamnIt! Remember something! A weapon! I need a weapon of some kind.

(Digging through my purse) Why do I always carry such a small purse? What could possibly be in this tiny thing? Credit cards? What the hell damage am I gonna do with a credit card? What I need is a pen! I could gouge his eyes out with a pen! Wow, could I really do that? That would be so gross. HELLO! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! Where is my pen?

"What? Oh, we're almost there? Really? So soon?"
WHERE'S MY DAMN PEN?! I'M GONNA DIE! I have to think of something fast. Keys!! I'll jam a key between my fingers and gouge out his eyes with my keys! I can do this! OHMYGOD am I really doing this? (Closing my eyes to say a prayer) Lord, please don't let me die today...

"Here we are! I didn't say you had to close your eyes! I'm sorry it took a while to get here, but I heard this little festival was having fireworks tonight, and you said you love fireworks, so I thought this would be cool. Jen, are you okay? You look a little pale".
(Trying to breathe normally) "I'm fine. Just a little car sick, I guess. It's a fair! Way out here, in the middle of no where! Who would have thought!"

Believe it or not, we actually dated for 3 months after that, before he dumped me. Yep, that's right. The Big Boobed guy dumped ME. Oh well, at least he didn't kill me.


Anonymous said...

Kate Jackson?! Was this like 1985?!

Awesome post and very well written! I am so glad he didn't kill you.

Anonymous said...

Awesome. I laughed out loud. Oh, the places an imagination will go when it is without directions...

Stacey Richardson said...

That was good stuff! Very funny!!!

The Girls' Mommy said...

you totally look like Kate Jackson. Big Boob was right :)

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

How did you let that sexy man get away! Growl!

Burgh Baby said...

I can't believe you didn't track Moob (Man Boob) down and convince him to never ever leave you. Geesh!