Monday, December 6, 2010

It Will Be Okay

I was a little worried when I wrote the previous post that it would be misunderstood.  I didn't want people to worry, or think that something terrible was happening.  Plenty of others have written similar posts, and no one batted an eyelash.  So, why did mine get such a reaction?

I think my dad summed it up when he said, "You've never written one like that before".  Yes, I do try to be a positive person in real life, and on my blog.  Maybe some would say that I appear to have it all together.  But, the truth is... I don't.  Some days it's mostly together, some days it's sort of together, some days it's spilling out the sides, and oozing onto the carpet.

Let's be real.  My house is never as clean as it should be.  There is always more organizing I would like to do.  I never cook a meal that would impress anyone.  I rarely leave the house thinking, "Damn, I look good".  (I'm laughing even as I write that).  Jim and I don't have date nights nearly often enough.  There are two rooms in my house that are a complete disaster (the studio and spare bedroom), and have been since we moved in.  I can NOT seem to get a handle on all the mail and paper clutter.

Why am I telling you all this?  So that you know you're not the only one who struggles to juggle it all.  We're all stressed.  We all have days when we just want to cry.  Even men, although they might not admit it.  So, yes, I am fine.

Three weeks ago, I lost my 20 hour a week nanny job.  The other nanny for the family told them she needs to work full time, and she's been around longer.  This is my last week.  Truthfully, when I found out, my initial reaction was complete relief.  Which was quickly followed by fear, and thoughts of "What am I gonna do?"  I  have to work.  Even working 20 hours a week, we were struggling.

I've been struggling with the question "What do I want to do?" since high school.  I always had many interests, but there wasn't one dominant thing I knew I wanted to do.  Recently, when I asked myself, "What do you want to do?", the only clear answer was, "Not be a nanny!"

My first nanny job (in 2004) was fantastic.  I loved those sweet girls and they loved me.  I remember calling Jim once and saying, "I'm sitting in the sun, at the zoo, and getting paid to watch them play!"

My second nanny job was pretty good also.  I loved the couple I worked for, and the baby girl was mostly pleasant and adorable.  After that job, though, (aside from the "Dream Job", which only lasted a short time as dreams usually do), things have steadily gone downhill.

I'm DONE.  I NEED to do something else.  So, I had an interview last week, and I've taken a new job.  It is a research position, through Pitt campus, in which I will go into preschools and conduct tests one on one with the children, to learn about pre-writing development.  I'm excited about it, but also nervous and uncertain.  Who knows if I will enjoy it?  Also, it doesn't start until March, with some training in February.

In the meantime, I'm doing some work online.  Yes, I know that is terribly vague - sorry.  I can't talk about it until I am doing it successfully.  My ego NEEDS to not fail at this, so that is where the pressure lies.

The other stress involves Dylan.  Because I lost my job, and our finances are teetering at the edge of a cliff, we decided to switch to a less expensive preschool.  This will be the THIRD preschool the poor kid has been in.  He doesn't seem to care, but I am nervous.  There are so many unknowns at the new place, and in the coming months in general.

But, as someone wise once said, "To attain success, the first step you take will be to make the decision to START".   Here we go...


Burgh Baby said...

Congratulations on the new job! It sounds like a winner!

Brooke G. said...

Hmmm - I missed the last post... bummer. But I just read over it and can assure you that WE ALL have days like that where the tears are brimming and ready to pour out at any moment! I can tell that you are a bit stressed about all the changes in your world - but sometimes things happen for a reason. You might be better off with the new arrangement. I know that doesn't help right now, but let things ride their course! Hang in there :D

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I think the job sounds amazing!

And from the way he sounds through your posts and pictures, it looks like you've got a happy resilient guy there--try not to worry.

Exciting times, it seems.

blue china studio said...

The new job does sound rather great! And good luck with the new on-line venture. Teetering finances,sigh,for me always stressful and that stress is always there...know how you feel there.
And I'm sure Dylan will be fine but I know that kind of worry too.
Hang in there and know that this too will all pass.


The Girls' Mommy said...

1- You didn't have Dylan with your first nanny job, right? Its much easier to play 2nd fiddle to a mom before you yourself are a mom. Now you are a wise, astonishingly amazing mom and its much harder to sit in that back seat. You are making a wise move I think.
2- The research position sounds AWESOME. Seriously, if I went back to work, that would intrigue me.
3- Dylan is brilliant and most likely very resiliant, he'll be great.
4- I might steal your "Lets be real" paragraph.
5- I love that you talk to your dad about your blog. Very cool that you have that relationship.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

That is the don't really express worry, which made all of us worry!

And as for the other thing..they defriended me on Facebook and apparently had some problem with me I was unaware of..hence the kind of rude comment on my blog.

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