Friday, January 16, 2009

...As I threw my own wardrobe into the trash...

If you've ever watched "What Not to Wear", on TLC, you know the drill. Friends, family, and co-workers gather with the hosts, Stacey and Clinton, to bombard some poor, fashionably challenged nominee who has no idea what is about to hit them. They are almost always shocked and embarassed, and some are even angry and mortified. Then, they are told that they have been secretly filmed for 2 weeks, and that they are going to be forced to view the proof of their fashion faux pas right then and there, along with their loved ones and millions of TV viewers.

If that isn't bad enough, then they have to travel to New York with their entire pathetic wardrobe, so that Stacey and Clinton can mock them and their clothes, while they try awkwardly to defend themselves. Then comes what has to be the cruelest part - 360 degree mirrors - the horror!

I don't paint a pretty picture, do I? All that being said, I was wondering if you could all nominate me? Please?! I'm serious. It would be good TV, I'm telling you. I would be the only person in the history of the show to run towards them, hugging them with such force that I actually knock them over, and then kissing Clinton on the mouth. Or maybe both of them. Who knows? I'm a loose cannon. I would also be the only person in history to laugh maniacally as I threw my own wardrobe into the trash can with glee.

I'm not gonna lie. The 360 degree mirrors would traumatize me. Maybe I would be the first person to fall down on the floor in a heap, begging for it to be over? But it would be worth it for the $5000 to buy clothes that fit! That look good, and that fit. Imagine!

Some of you don't understand. When you need new clothes, you go to a store, look for your size in a color you like, try it on, pay for it, bring it home - WAH-LA! For me it is not that simple. If I buy jeans or pants, I'm in between two sizes. So, either I choose the smaller size and walk around uncomfortable, or the bigger size and wear a belt. (Or, you know, exercise and lose weight, heh). Then, I have to search for a store that has "long" or "tall" sizes to get the length I need. (I'm 5'11").

Then, we have my monkey arms. If I buy a shirt off the rack and put it in the dryer once or twice, the arms will be too short.

Then, there is the sheer joy of shoe shopping with size 11 narrow feet. As far as I know, there are 2 stores in my area that carry my size - Naturalizer and Littles. (Littles!! the irony) I went to Naturalizer a few weeks ago. Apparently they feel if you wear a size 11 narrow, you are an old lady with bad eyesight, because WOW, those were some ugly, old lady shoes! On to Littles, where I still didn't have a lot of choices, but those I did have were actually stylish. I found tennis shoes that fit - $134! I found black dress shoes that fit - $175! I found a pair of brown shoes that fit that almost made me cry. They were so cute that I might even get compliments on my shoes for the first time in my adult life! - $175! Is it just me, or is that crazy? Do people really pay that for shoes? Stacey and Clinton would say "it's an investment". Stacey and Clinton make more money than I do.

Jenn at Juggling Life met up with some other bloggers a while back, and posted this picture of their shoes on her blog.

I almost fell on the floor laughing/crying because if it were my shoes the picture would look like this...

Sad, and yet oddly hilarious, isn't it? Maybe it's just me - insanity breeds hilarity, I'm thinking.

So, anyway, back to my request..Could you all just go nominate me now? If they need convinced I'm sure the picture of my shoes will seal the deal. Look out Clinton.


Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I love it! And I feel really bad for you--you can get pretty much any shoe you want in a size 8 and my daughter and I wear the same size.

I'll nominate you, but you have to send me some pictures of you in hideous clothes to submit.

I love that show and I feel the same way as you do, but I'm not prepared to face the 3 way mirror until I lose 30 lbs. Seriously though, I have learned a lot of tricks from Clinton and Stacy.

The Girls' Mommy said...

Your shoes look way more comfortable

Gina said...

I would be thrilled to see Stacy and Clinton coming towards me. I love them and God knows I need the help. As for shoes - you need to take a trip to Sharon and go shopping at Reyer's. not cheap, but they have tons of shoes in all sizes.

Burgh Baby said...

Give me some pitiful pics of you and I will. I nominated Allison from Allison Says per her request.

It's fun telling the world that my friends don't know how to dress!

Jonny's Mommy said...

I'm a size 3 in shoe. Beat that. I have to shop in the kids section and weed through Hannah Montana and Barbie or Dora. Come on, give me a break! :-)

I can't nominate you unless you nominate me. I am short AND fat...not a great combination and a real joy to find clothes with this body type. Ugh! I used to have to shop in the kids section, now I'm lucky if anything will fit me there. I have to get my shirts in ladies and my pants I usually have to get my mom to hem (I so can not sow!

You crack me up though. Let me know if you get on. I'll totally watch!

JCK said...

Have you stolen my shoes!!!

I've never watched that show. Never heard of it....But, if you like to be tortured on television, you should be nominated.

Kellan said...

So funny! Monkey arms - ACK!! There is nothing wrong with your shoes - btw!! It's who you are!

As for writing a novel - YES you should be doing i!!!!! You are an exceptionally talented writer and if it is something you are interested in doing then you should do it!!! But, don't give up the blogging. I know you won't, but it is an other sort of outlet and a connection - you don't want to lose that. Plus it is another kind of writing - it helps creatively. BTW - I'm on chapter 7 of mine (I actually have 2 novels going right now - the other I'm on chapter 2) and I feel really, really good about this one. It's a little different than I originally intended and yet it is going along and I am really into it. I know I will finish it - I just don't know yet if it is any good - totally, you know. I just tell you all this to maybe inspire you. Just DO IT!!

I wish you luck - you know I do. If you need me or my help with anything - e-mail me! I'll talk to you soon - Kellan

Sparx said...

Oh, I love this post! You're 5 11! Wow!

And I feel your pain. Until I got pregnant I had very narrow feet as well - size 10 US - and while there is more for size 10s than size 11s it's still difficult.

Anyway, good luck finding shoes - and getting volunteered.

Jennifer H said...

Except I want to be nominated!

I LOVE that show. Love it. And I'm would never survive the 3 way mirror. Not a chance.

Janet said...

I wear a size 6 1/2 which sounds great until you realize it's the most common shoe size and by the time anything is on sale they no longer have that size.
If they came to my house they would burn everything. It would annoy me though to have all that cash to spend and then have to spend it in a high end store in New York where everything is 15 times higher than it should be. Give me the $2000 (or whatever it is) and send me to Penney's.
I would nominate you, but I don't want them to know I exist.