Monday, February 15, 2010
A Phone Call With Winter
Me: "Winter! Hi! How are you?"
Winter: "Who is this?"
Me: "It's Jen".
Winter: "Jen? Oh, Jen! You never call me! You always call your buddy Spring around this time each year. You two are so tight. Did you two have a falling out?"
Me: "Uh... no. Actually, I tried to call her, but her line has been busy for a week now. She must be getting a lot of calls".
Winter: "Yea, yea, whoopee for Spring. She's SO popular. What am I? Chopped liver?"
Me: "Well, you can't really expect people to be very happy with you this year, you know".
Winter: "Why not? Boy, you Pittsburgh people are a bunch of whiners, you know that? Waaah, waah, waah, grumble, whine, moan. You live in Pittsburgh. It's February. It's snowing. So what? What's the problem? Yinz guys don't like snow n'at?"
Me: "Uh..it's not just snow. You've dumped 30 inches on us in the past 10 days! And, now you're giving us 3-6 more tonight?! That's a bit excessive, don't you think? What's got you so royally ticked off?"
Winter: "Well, if you must know, maybe I got sick and tired of being called "Old Man Winter"! I'm not that old! I figured I'd show you young farts I'm still powerful! I'm still a force to be reckoned with! Maybe now I'll get the respect I deserve, huh?!"
Me: "Wow.. You have issues. Seek therapy".
Winter" "I have issues?! What about you?! You're the one who's always asking your husband "Why do we live here?" You're the one who talks about moving to Florida, but never does. That was a nice touch - how I made it snow in FLORIDA this year, huh?! Ha, Ha, Ha!"
Me: "HA! HA! HA! Ha! Ha! Ha!...
Winter: "It wasn't that funny".
Me: "Well, at some point, you just have to laugh. What else are you gonna do? First, the kids were off all week last week, and we were stuck in the house. Then, it just had to be President's Day today, which meant the kids were off again! Now, you've decided to unleash another snowstorm. It's all just a bit much".
Winter: "You can't see me, but I'm playing my violin right now. Like I said... February... snow... deal with it. I saw you playing in it today, so you must not hate it that much".
Me: "Well, I had to do something with the kids I'm a nanny for. When that dog... the one that ate my boots last week... got stuck in the snow... that was pretty funny. And, I did enjoy pelting the kids with a ton of snowballs! Thanks for that."
Winter: "Yea, talking about OLD. You think you're still in your 20's, running and jumping around in the snow. I think you pulled something."
Me: "I DID NOT!"
Winter: "Oh? Then, why are you walking like that?"
Me: "Shut up! I really don't like you, you..."
Winter: "Careful! I'll dump another 6 inches on The Burgh, just for kicks!"
Me: (whispering) "Someone should really smack you with a shovel".
Winter: "What did you say?"
Me: "OH! THAT'S RIGHT! YOU'RE OLD! SO YOU CAN'T HEAR ME! I SAID SOMEONE SHOULD SMACK YOU WITH A SHOVEL!"
Winter: "Yea, I think yours broke under the weight of 2 1/2 feet of snow! HaHaHaHa! Oh, hey, have fun driving to work in the morning! Maybe the kids will be off again! HaHaHaHa! SNORT!" Click...
Me: "Oh yea! Well... I... Well... you... Hello?... (Dead air) Sigh. I'm going to try Spring's number again..."