Saturday, November 10, 2007

I'm Joining The Nudist's Colony With Dylan

I am apparently a freak. Wait, didn't I start a recent post, "I am a moron"? Note to self: Be nicer to self. Look in the mirror each morning and repeat the phrase, "I am beautiful and smart and I can do anything". It's hard to feel beautiful, though, when you can't buy clothing that fits. This is a struggle I have had all my life, or at least since I started caring if my clothes fit. I try, I really do. I have watched many, many episodes of Stacy & Clinton on What Not to Wear. I know the rules - No pleated pants. No mini-skirts over age 35. Items don't have to match, but they do have to "go". I want to look modern, hip, and stylish, but I'm just happy if my boring clothes are clean at this point.

I picture myself strutting around confidently with my cashmere black turtleneck sweater hugging my curves in all the right places, my oh so chic denim skirt that makes my ass look HOT, and my kickass black leather knee high boots. The ensemble screams, "Look at me! Damn, I look good, and I know it"! Instead my black cotton turtleneck sweater is 2 inches too short in my monkey arms after only two washings, and my denim skirt that only makes my ass look so-so is still hanging in my closet waiting to be worn, because I CANNOT buy boots with my freakish size 11 Narrow feet. That's right, I said 11 Narrow. Luckily you aren't here, because I just know you'd be staring at my feet right now. It is bad enough that all shoes everywhere only go up to size 10. I can always order shoes in 11, but not in narrow width. Apparently if your feet are that long, they should also be FAT. Sorry, I missed that memo. I finally, after scouring the universe, found a store that could order my only boot option in a size 11 Narrow, and they came in, and we went to the mall yesterday, and they actually fit! My feet, that is. They were way too big in my calves. Jim said "You either need fatter feet, or fatter calves". Yes, Jim, fatter calves would just about make life - perfect.

Every year around this time I do the switch. I put away my summer clothes and get out the winter stuff. This year, I decided to go through all my clothes and get rid of the stuff that either doesn't fit, is out of style, or I just haven't worn for years for whatever reason. This morning I tried on every pair of jeans I could find. I discovered to my shock and dismay I have 17 pairs of jeans! Seventeen! That is ridiculous, people! These are 17 jeans that I tried on and said "These fit". After my initial shock, I thought about it, and I know why I have so many jeans. It is a never ending quest. The quest for the "perfect pair of jeans". The ones that fit like a glove, that are so comfortable that you would even sleep in them if you could. The problem is, and ladies please come closer as I am about to tell you a secret that will truly rock your world....THEY DON'T EXIST!!! Now you know.

The problem is, if you are anything like me, and you have a strong desire to be hip and not look like a grandma, you have tried on the jeans that are now in fashion. Low rise. The term also applies to your self esteem when you try these on, do the sit-down test, and your belly flabs out over the top of the jeans. Lovely. Then there is the inescapable fact that you WILL be exposing your butt crack to innocent passersby each and every time you sit down. You will feel a cool breeze between your cheeks, and you will give yourself a wedgie trying to pull your underwear up enough to cover your butt crack. You will wear these jeans for awhile, and make the statement "There is no way people can wear these and be comfortable"! Then you will put on a pair of your old jeans, the ones that go up past your belly button. You will look in the mirror and see an old, out of fashion, woman, who strangely resembles your mother, and you will put the low rise jeans back on. You will sigh, turn on another episode of What Not To Wear, and mutter, "I am beautiful and smart and I can do anything".

15 comments:

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I once had a pair of "perfect" jeans. They were from Gap and I loved them with all my heart. They were low-rise enough to not look like scary Mom pants, but yet high enough to contain the muffin top, the exact right length, and just looked good. I tried to return to Gap to buy twenty pair of identical jeans only to find that the style had been discontinued. They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but they lie.

Driving With the Brakes On said...

I cannot remember the last time I wore a pair of jeans for this exact reason. I sometimes wonder why I worked so damn hard to loose all of the baby weight - twice: even at a weight below my pregnancy start point, nothing fits the way it used to.

I count not having to get dressed-up everyday as one of the 'Top 5 Reasons To Be A Stay-At-Home-Mom'.

Pam said...

I love What Not To Wear! I try so hard to be stylish and fashionable, but I think that most of the time I just look silly. I had a pair of jeans that I loved, but they were a bit too long (without shoes - with shoes, they were the perfect length). But because I wore them so often without shoes, I ended up walking on the bottoms - wore out a hole into the bottom. Damn it, now they are no longer the perfect jeans! But they are great for lounging around. Oh, and I am SO jealous! I wish I had 17 pairs of jeans...I have only 5. Sorry about the shoe problem....I wouldn't want to deal with that all the time.

Janet said...

I could never get jeans that fit because my legs are too long for my height. Finally, I found Eddie Bauer. They make jeans in long sizes. (Other companies do too, now I think). And they were about $20 a pair, so back when I was working I bought about 10 pairs (our office was casual Friday every day - in almost 5 years I saw the boss wear a tie once). I do have to fold up all the extra skin on my belly since I had the babies, but otherwise they still fit. The bad part is that I only have one pair left that doesn't have a bunch of holes in inappropriate spots, and now they're more like $49 a pair, and I no longer have an income-producing occupation. Not a good combination.

Karen said...

I love low-rise jeans myself. I'm so incredibly short waisted that they fit me right where jeans should. I think I will die when they go out of style and I have to go back to wearing jeans that touch my bra band. Talk about your grandma pants!

Sparx said...

Oh I HATE low rise jeans. And, I'm much too old to wear them. I have a pair simply because one year I needed jeans and I could NOT find a high-rise pair! I have the perfect pair at the moment - little bit of stretch, fit just so... but I'm wearing them out and I don't think they make them anymore... curses!

Kellan said...

I'm not a big jean fan - so hard to find that "perfect fit" that is actually in style. My kids are always so excited when they see me in a pair of jeans. I'm sticking to the sweats - more comfortable to me! We are all in the same boat. See ya.

Jen said...

BB'smom, Yep, liars! "The muffin top" - love that.

Driving, You are so right - not having to get dressed up for work is the best. Of course, when you are a nanny, you can wear whatever you want too. Good to see you!

Pam, Don't Stacy & Clinton crack you up? I think they are hilarious. I'd love to hang out with them. Thanks for stopping by!

Janet, New York & Co is one of the few stores I know of that has tall or long sizes for jeans and pants! Thanks for reading.

Karen, I don't think they'll go out of style. Pretty soon, we'll all be wearing our jeans around our knees like some people already do where I live.

Sparx, Great to see you again! You're not too old! We have to be hip so we don't embarass our kids too much, right?

Kellan, You only wear sweats? I'm nominating you for What Not to Wear! : )

Zoe said...

yeah. we are living life in the same dressing room.

becky said...

God, buying pants is a terrible, terrible chore. I pretty much need to be slightly drunk to get through it without crying. The baby weight which I am trying like mad to rid myself of is not helping matters.

Just coming over from my blog, http://mommywantsvodka.psys.org, and you are hilarious.

I'm adding you to my blogroll now :)

Mary said...

Jeans.......it's a never ending battle trying to find the "perfect" ones. I have a huge rubbermaid bin in my basement full of jeans of varying sizes. My favorite pair are down there but since I had my son a year ago, they still don't fit! For me, they might fit at the waist then the thighs are too tight. Or they'll fit every where and then they are too long. It makes me crazy! And why are they all stretch now? I mean it's kind of a good thing but then you wear them once and they are stretched out! Grrrr! Oprah had a segment on jeans a while back. She said to buy jeans that fit at your widest part and then have them tailored. Who has the time and or money for that? And you can never get the hem to match perfectly if you did do it!
Sorry for such a long comment. I guess I had some frustrations to get out :)

Amy said...

I am on the neverending quest for the "perfect" jeans. Do they exist. Not sure. Even 10 lbs. lighter, I always had "jean" issues. Lately, i have been pretty happy with the Anntaylor Loft, Original Boot Cut. They are a pit stretchie and work for me. Old Navy, on the other hand, never works. Though they (anntaylor loft) do stretch out a lot so you might want to buy the one's that fit a bit snug in the dressing room. You will be pleasantly surprised in a few minutes when they miraculously "fit". I should mention that they're an "invest", as they are a bit pricey!!! Oh it's just a scam!!! Great topic. It "fits" a lot of us, I am sure.

Joanna said...

Oh preach it sisiter!! The never ending quest to finding good jeans is right up there with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Shellie said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! I am so glad I am wasting my time when I should be cooking reading this post. You made my day. I need to lose the hand me down or is it hand me up? jeans from my daughter.

Jen said...

Becky, flattery will get you EVERYWHERE. (With me at least). Thanks.

Mary, glad you got that out of your system. Screaming into a pillow is good for that also. I totally agree on the tailoring thing. Who the hell gets stuff tailored?

Zoe, this dressing room isn't big enough for both of us and if you're in here you better bring tissues. Trying on clothes usually results in tears.

Amy, I haven't seen those. Thanks for stopping by!

Joanna, Apparently this is a sensitive issue with everyone - I can hear the choir singing.

Shellie, My mom started wearing my clothes when I was in high school and she still does! Ha! I'm not sure what that says about me or her?! Good to see you. Did you read my "The Boy in The Box" post? You might like that one.