Sex and Death (Oh, You Know You're Curious Now!)

So far, I've managed to successfully avoid the subject matter of S-E-X with my four year old.  There was the one time I was in the bathroom, and he asked "Why do you have fur down there?", but otherwise I've successfully evaded the whole thing.  No talk of "where do babies come from?"  No "what were you and Daddy doing?" moments.  He says "Boys have a willy - girls don't", as if that completely sums it up and there doesn't need to be further questions.

We've been dealing with death in the past couple months - first, with my grandfather, and recently with Jim's uncle, who lost his battle with cancer.  I would have liked to shield Dylan from the subject of death for just a little bit longer, but I had no choice.  I told him what I believe in simple terms.

 I was shocked recently when he suddenly said, "I can't wait to die".  "WHAT?!", I fairly squealed, hoping I had heard him wrong.  "I can't wait to die", he repeated.  "Why did you say that?", I asked, willing my heart to stop beating so fast.  "Well, then I'll know what God looks like", he answered.

Death?  God?  Heaven?  I'm beginning to think S-E-X would be an easier topic.

Fools Thoughts Are Scattered

*Sometimes you wonder how much a four year old is listening, and how much of an adults conversation they are actually "getting".  But, I figured it out, one day this week, when he said,  "Mommy's job is more ridiculous than Daddy's job!"

*I was putting cream on his legs, which have a lot of eczema on them right now.  I told him, "I really wish we could make this rash disappear!"  He answered, "Well, we could get a magician.  Are there any magicians around here we can call?"

*(The weather has been in the 30's in Pittsburgh this week).  Dylan and I were sitting at the kitchen table, looking out at the back yard.  There was a whole bunch of birds that we watched fly around and around and around in circles.  They all seemed irritated and confused.  I had this thought... When birds fly south for the winter, do they always come back at the same time every year?  They must be really ticked off this time.  "We cut our Florida trip short, for THIS?!"

*I woke up to snow on the ground, and in the sky, this morning.  HaHaHa...Very funny, Mother Nature.
April Fools!

*When I was in high school, I had to take a typing class (on actual typewriters - imagine that!)  One of my best friends was in the class with me, and we sat with our desks facing each other.  The instructor would give us timed typing drills.  Almost every time he would yell "STOP!", you would hear "click, click, click, clickety click..".  "WHO WAS THAT?!", the poor man would scream, a vein in his head bulging.  My friend would sit there, innocently looking around the room as if to try and guess who it had been, and I would have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at her.  Poor thing just could not type to save her life.  I loved that class, and actually enjoyed the timed drills.  So, when I found this link , I enjoyed reliving my youth.  Each time the drill ended, I imagined I heard, "click, click, clickety click".  I discovered I can type 50-60 words a minute, with pretty good accuracy.  Anyone want to hire me?

*If you ever wondered how fast (or slow) you read, you can also go here.
And, you were wondering what you were going to do this weekend?

Good/Bad

I really should carry a little notebook around in my back pocket, because Dylan is always saying something funny, that I want to remember.  Sometimes, though, by the time I get to where I can write something down, I've completely forgotten what he said.  But, here are a couple gems from this week...

The Good:  "Mommy, what does "bored" mean?"
"Bored is when you can't think of anything to do.  You don't really have anything to do".
(After thinking about that a few minutes)  "I'm never bored!  I can always think of something to do".

The Bad:  (Showing me a broom handle) "Mommy, what does this say?"
"It says "Dirt Devil" ".
"Dirt Devil?"
"Yep".
"That's you!"
"Excuse me?!"
"You're a dirt devil!"

One Man Show

Recently, we took Dylan to The International Children's Festival.  While there, we saw a show - The Zany Umbrella Circus.  Basically, it consists of one man, juggling, doing tricks, and walking on a tightrope.  I only thought it was "okay", but it certainly left an impression on Dylan.  Ever since then, you can hear, "Look at this!  Look what I can do!  Huh?  Huh?", echoing through the halls of our home.  It's the "Huh?  Huh?" that makes me laugh, as he "balances" a balloon on the end of a bat, "juggles" balls, or does his own, odd version of standing on his head.  It isn't helping that his daddy could probably start his own show.  Jim is a pretty good juggler, and he can balance stuff on his nose, head, finger, whatever.  I guess we are a family of clowns!  Dylan finds this fact delightful, of course.  Me, I'm just amused, watching the two of them practice their circus tricks.

A few weeks ago, I took Dylan to visit Doug's family.  Doug's brother is a drummer, and they just finished a music room in their basement, complete with several guitars and a drum set.  When Dylan saw the drum set his eyes got as big as saucers.  As he played, I really wasn't sure I would ever be able to get him out of that room!  Luckily, Marsha had waited until the end of our visit to show him the drums.

I wasn't extremely surprised when he told us, last week, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a SHOW!"  "Who will be in your show?", we asked.  "Just me!"  "And, what will you do for this one man show?"  "Play the drums... and sing!"

So, in the future, when the walls of my home are vibrating, and my neighbors are forming a group to complain about the loud drumming, I am blaming this guy...

and you, Marsha!  Remember, when Noah was little, and I'd buy  him things like that toy that made loud noises when you hit it off stuff, or the Spiderman glove that shot silly string all over your basement?  It's payback time, isn't it?

My plan is to get him so focused on these tricks...

he'll forget all about the drums.

The Best Things

When Jim saw I was starting to read the Simplicity Parenting book, he commented, "Oh boy.  I sense some changes are on the way".  I answered, "Oh a change is a gonna come!", in my best Baptist preacher voice.

The first change was the decree that Dylan and Jim would now be clearing off the table after dinner.  Why, oh why, haven't I been doing this all along?  Probably because I feared my clumsy 3 year old would spill food onthe floor, or break a dish.  But, I am determined NOT to raise my son to feel that a woman's place is in the kitchen.  If I have anything to do with it, he will NOT feel that cooking and cleaning is women's work.  He will NOT go into the living room to relax after enjoying a holiday feast that the women in the family prepared and are now cleaning up.  That is certainly worth some food on the floor and a few broken dishes.

The second change is that we now have a nightly ritual.  Every week night at dinner, (or later, if Jim isn't home for dinner), we each tell the best and hardest parts of our day.  It took a few nights for the boys (yes, both of them), to catch on.  The first night, Jim said his hardest part was "from the time I got to work until the time I got home".  Men.  They're so descriptive, aren't they?

We are really enjoying Dylan's answers.  Dylan had a playdate Friday, (his first since probably November! groan).  That day, his "best thing" was "Me and Caleb playing up in the air with the balls".  That was a lovely game in which they threw all of Dylan's 25 balls up in the air over and over, laughing hysterically and screaming "UP IN THE AIR!!!", until my friend and I could no longer carry on a conversation.

Doing this exercise has been really helpful for me.  Finding the best thing is usually really easy, but often I have to think a long time to come up with the hardest thing.  When I do, hearing the best thing and the hardest thing together really puts things in perspective.  The hardest things really aren't so bad when you consider how awesome the best things are, (my husband bringing me flowers for no reason, or my son kissing both sides of my face, then my forehead, before saying "I luv you").

Dylan's hardest things really show how easy a 3 year old's life is (at least for him).  One night it was, "when Mommy wouldn't give me any drink or food".  I was making dinner, and told him he couldn't have milk until it was ready.  I know!  Call Child Services.

The funniest was, "when I had a really big poop, and I couldn't get it out, and I tried and tried, and I pushed like this (imitating push and grunting), and it finally came out!"  As Jim said, "Someday, when you're old, that will be the best part of your day!"

Random, Simply Random

*First off, I have to explain why I deleted my Tiger Woods post. I found out last night that SNL did a skit about Elin beating up Tiger that got many people upset. Why? Because Rhianna was the musical guest that night. People didn't feel it was appropriate to be poking fun at domestic violence when she was on the show. The more I thought about it, the more guilty I felt.

See, I might be a bit of a feminist. I believe that women and men should be treated equally, and I hate double standards. Double standards like when men cheat, it is the women's fault and he can't help it, but when women cheat, they are sluts. My view on adultery is the same. I make no apologies for that. Cheating when anyone does it is wrong in my book. But, I feel I perpetuated a double standard of my own. Why is it horrible for a man to beat his wife, but funny when a woman does it? Maybe because we feel that women are defenseless, and that if a man gets beat up by his wife, he is a "sissy". That bothers me, and the fact that I must somewhat feel that way bothers me. A chilhood friend of mine had a mother who verbally abused her dad. There was no physical abuse, but the verbal abuse was consistent, and damaging to her dad's self esteem and self respect. Even though I didn't offend anyone, (that I know of), I would like to say I don't approve of domestic violence of any sort.

*I took Dylan to be tested for allergies on Friday. His pediatrician wrote me a script to have him tested a YEAR ago. (Hanging my head in shame) I had built it up in my head to be such a horrific experience that I put it off and put it off. After the scary experience on Wednesday I couldn't put it off any longer. Here's the thing... it was nothing. He didn't even cry. He did better than I do with needles. He did WAY better than Jim does with needles. He watched the nurse put the needle into his arm and draw the blood. But, tell the kid we are out of milk. Go ahead. Tell him. I dare you.

*He is obsessed with Christmas music this year. He can hear only the first few notes of a song, and he will shout out, "IT'S JINGLE BELLS!!" It's a bit freaky, and we have to get it on video. Is there a game show we can take him on?

*Lately when I tell him to do something he doesn't want to do, like "It's time to go upstairs for nap", or "It's time for bed", he replies ever so sweetly, "No thanks". At least he is polite in his insubordination.

Random Dylanisms

*Besides the constant questioning, Dylan has also become an avid participant in the world of pretend. Small pieces of toys are no longer toys, at least not in the manner intended. Now they are "cheesecake", "sandcastles", or "puppets". You just never know, but what you do know, is that you will find tiny little pieces of various toys all. over. the. house. Never where you would expect them to be, however.

Today, he was using the pieces of a game to "feed me some dinner". Each "bowl" had another "food" item in it that I was supposed to pretend to eat. That went on quite a while, until he had used all the pieces. I exclaimed, "Wow! That was a lot of food! I ate so much, my belly hurts!" "Your belly hurts?", Dylan asked. After I nodded yes, he ran over, lifted my shirt, and planted a wet, sloppy kiss on my belly!

*The other night, Jim was eating a hamburger with onions. Dylan asked, "What's that, Daddy?" "Onions", Jim answered. "I want one". He kept insisting, so Jim gave him one, saying, "Okay, but you're not going to like it". Dylan took a bite, said, "Nope!", then as Jim and I laughed, continued eating the whole thing!

*His new favorite phrase is "I can't believe this"! The phrase follows many things I say...
"Dylan, we need to change your diaper!" - "Oh, I can't believe this!"
"Stop playing, and come to the table for breakfast!" - "I can't believe this!"
"Oh, the bed is wet". - "I can't believe this!"
It's all quite shocking, I suppose. I have no idea where the phrase came from. But, considering his other favorite phrase is "Come on!", and the other day I heard myself saying, "Dylan! Come on! Stop it!", I'm going to take a wild guess.

WHAT Is The Question?

It has begun. They say that everyone has a question. Some people are "Why?" people. They are always wanting to know why things are the way they are. Other people are "How?" people, always wanting to know how things work. Other people are "When?" people, always looking at their watch, and wanting to know when the next thing is that they have to do.

At least for now, Dylan has become a "What?" person. BIG TIME. It goes on all day. "What is "scrumptious"?" "What is "nervous"?"
"What is "exhausted"?" That's what mommy is, answering all these questions!

Yesterday, Jim said, "...Blah, Blah, Blah". That started this completely ridiculous conversation...
D: What is "Blah, Blah, Blah"?
J: Blah, Blah, Blah means whatever, whatever.
D: What is "whatever, whatever"?
J: Whatever, whatever means and so on and so forth.
D: What is "and so on and so forth"?
J: And so on, and so forth means yada, yada, yada.
D: What is "yada, yada, yada"?
I chimed in, "Yada, yada, yada means nonsense".
D: What is "nonsense"?
J: Nonsense is Blah, Blah, Blah!!
Then, Jim and I pulled the hair out of our head, and pondered what the next few months will be like with Question Boy.

He is already correcting me. My toddler is correcting me! When we went to the park, I said, "Let's go play on the slides". Dylan turned around to chastise me, "Mommy, you don't play on the slides, you go down the slides"! "But, I... well...oh, you knew what I meant!"

I'm going to need a dictionary, a lot of patience, and some very thick skin.

Ubby Dubby

I think Dylan has been to McDonalds twice in his life so far. My parents took Dylan to a McDonald's one day while I was at work. It had two stories, so my mom took Dylan upstairs, while my dad went to order their food. My dad yelled up to Dylan, "Dylan! Do you want a Happy Meal?" Dylan yelled back, "Well, Bubba ( he calls my dad that, much to my dad's dismay), I don't want a SAD meal!"

Yesterday, I told Dylan, "When you wake up from your nap, we're going to go to Mi-Ma's house!" "But, what about Daddy?", he asked. "Daddy is going to meet us there. Then, Mommy and Daddy are going to go on a date, and you're going to play with Mi-Ma and Pop-Pop". "What's DATE?", was the next question. "A date is when a boy and a girl go somewhere, like out to eat, or to the movies, or shopping, or whatever to spend time together and be lovey-dovey". "What's UBBY DUBBY? Like Oooby Dooby?" (Oooby Dooby is a song in one of his videos).

Tonight we went to Lowe's to buy a new toilet seat for our master bathroom. As we looked at the wall of options, Dylan shouted out, "Let's see if there's poop in them!"

Lately, he doesn't really play with any of his toys. At least, not in the way they are supposed to be played with. He basically just dumps small pieces randomly onto his "play house", which is actually our living room couch. To play with his "play house", you must take all the couch cushions off the couch, then get back on, and cover yourself with cushions. Then, he usually "searches" for the small pieces. I'm not completely fond of this new game, since every time I want to sit on the couch I have to fix it. I just know one of those pieces and I are going to have an uncomfortable episode at some point. But, I guess I should be happy about any activity that involves laying down. I could even take a short nap, if it weren't for the constant kicks to the crotch, or elbow jabs in my stomach.

Oh yea, I am!

*One day Dylan did something especially charming, and I exclaimed, "Oh my gosh! You are the cutest!" He smiled, and answered, "Oh yea, I am!" Jim quickly explained that he should be modest, and answer, "Aw shucks". Me, I say "You're 2 1/2! Be awesome, and know it!"

*He was acting wild during breakfast one morning. Wild, and goofy. I remarked, "Dylan! What are you doing?! Have you lost your mind?!", as he started pouring his juice on the floor. I told him he was done, and got him out of the chair. He ran into the living room while I cleaned up the kitchen. A while later, he came into the kitchen and told me , "Mommy, it okay. I found my mind now".

*One day Jim and I really weren't getting along. I was basically just trying to play with Dylan, and ignore the fact that Jim was in the room, for fear I would explode in front of Dylan. Suddenly I decided I needed to go outside and walk off my frustration. I walked out the door, only to find it was starting to rain, so I came back in. Jim remarked, "He just said, "Oh Mommy left! Now I have to find a new friend"". I went over and gave Dylan a hug, saying, "Dylan, I'm still your friend". He looked at me, then Jim, and said, "And Daddy is your friend Mommy!" A marriage counselor at age 2 1/2! Great.

*A while back, we stopped in Once Upon A Child, and Jim got very excited. Yes, Jim, not Dylan. My 43 year old husband was more excited about the castle and knights that we found than my kid. As soon as we got home, Jim proceeded to have several battle enactments with the knights, horses, lances and swords. Today, Dylan and I were playing with the knights. He was one knight and I was the king. I said, "Ha! Ha! I will get you!", and jabbed his knight with my sword. He did the same back, then shouted, "AND NOW! WE WILL DANCE!!" "Um...okay...is that code for something?... What kind of battle is this, anyway? Take a step back, please!" Don't you wish he ruled the world, though?

Dylanisms

-At breakfast one morning...
Me: Do you want a granola bar?
Dylan: Yea!
Me: We could share one.
Dylan: Uh... no...you could eat one all up, and I could eat one all up!

-I took him to Arby's for the first time, one evening for dinner. I was holding him, and ordering our food. Suddenly, he leaned
WAY over, into the cashier's face, and asked, "Uh... You got pizza?!" She didn't even crack a smile. Just answered, "No, we don't have pizza". He leaned in again, for effect. "Uh... You got milk?"

-We took him to the Stride Rite outlets yesterday, to see if we could get some discounted shoes, since he wears a 9 1/2 WIDE, and we can only shop at Stride Rite. We found rain boots - one pair was green frogs, the other blue monsters. I liked the green frogs, Jim liked the blue monsters. We couldn't decide, so we asked Dylan to make the decision.
Me: Which ones do you like?
Dylan: Both of them.
Me: Okay, which ones do you like best?
Dylan: Mommy likes the frogs... Daddy likes the monsters...
Me: Yes, but which ones do you like? Which ones do you want to get?
Dylan: Uh... Both of them? (My little diplomat!)

-As anyone who has, or has had a toddler knows, sometimes it is really, really hard to understand what they are saying. Sometimes they are pronouncing the word wrong. Sometimes they are using the wrong word for the situation. Sometimes they are jumbling their words together. Lately, though, I've been having another problem. I understand exactly what he is saying, but I can't figure out WHY he is saying what he is saying. Toddlers don't exactly explain their train of though, you know.

Yesterday, while sitting at the table eating lunch, Dylan was looking out our sliding glass door, into the backyard. He suddenly laughed, and remarked, "There were two pigs in the mud!" After I looked in our backyard to make sure two pigs hadn't actually wandered into our yard, I asked, "There were two pigs in the mud?" Again, he laughed, and said, "Yea!" I had NO IDEA what he was talking about, but I've learned there are a few survival phrases when living with a toddler, and you have NO IDEA what they are talking about.
1. Answer, "Really?!"
2. Answer, "Wow!", and repeat whatever they said. "Two pigs in the mud!"
3. Ask them a follow up question... "Why were they in the mud?" This one can sometimes backfire, though, because they might seem annoyed that you are asking them a stupid question, and they might catch on that you have NO IDEA what they are talking about.

What sometimes happens is, I realize hours, or even days later, what he was talking about. Later that day, we were reading a book, and sure enough, there were two pigs in the mud on one page! "Dylan! This is what you were talking about earlier! These are the two pigs in the mud!" Of course, he had NO IDEA what I was talking about.

Dylan at 2 Years 4 Months

-We are getting rid of the pool that takes up our entire yard. The guy came last night to dismantle it. Dylan saw him, and ran to grab his construction hat, saying, "I help!"


-One day last week, I was looking through old pictures, and Dylan saw one of us from last summer at the lake. He announced, "Mommy, when Daddy home today, we go to the beach!" "Uh, it's 40 degrees out, kid, but way to dream"!

-His obsession with letters continues. He has started writing C, E, F, I, L, M, O, and V. He can also spell his name, Mommy, Daddy, and Up. He says the sounds of all the consonants, ( "B says Buh!"), thanks to the Leap Frog refrigerator magnet toy.

-I've mentioned before that dinner time at my house is difficult. There's the whole human vacuum thing, but it's more than that. On the rare occasion that I can hold Dylan off until Jim gets home, we eat together as a family. Jim and I try desperately to talk, and Dylan tries desperately to interrupt. Lately, I've been trying to get him involved in an appropriate, polite way. I coach, "Dylan, ask Daddy, "How was your day?"". Other times, "Dylan, ask Daddy, "What did you do today?"" He's catching on. The other day, after not seeing his beloved stuffed animal, "Puppy", for a while, he picked him up, asking, "Puppy, how you do today?"
-He is hilarious at music class. He is a very enthusiastic participant! One little problem - he doesn't stay with me! He's over, right next to the teacher, imitating her every move, and grinning at her! I'm sure the other kids are saying, "Hey! Teacher's pet! We're not being graded on this stuff!"

-The "Pope Mobile" has been retired. I knew my parents were taking Dylan to the mall, but one day I asked, "Does he stay with you when you go?" They replied, "Well, sometimes we have to put him in the Pope Mobile". "Uh, the what?!" Up until that point, I had no idea they were taking the old backpack stroller to the mall, and having my kid imitate the Pope.

My Funny Kid

One morning this week, when I went in to get Dylan out of the crib, he greeted me with "Hi Buddy!"

*The sun was shining brightly through the sliding glass door, where Dylan and I sat having a snack. Suddenly, he shouted, "TOO BRIGHT!! TURN IT OFF, MOMMY!" "Turn what off?! The sun?!", I asked. "Yes, please". (I really am going to miss these days when he thinks I am strong and powerful - powerful enough to turn off the sun).

*Today, we finished playing a game and after we cleaned it up, he looked down, thinking, and said, "Well..." (Like, "Well, now what should we do?")

*He has now entered the land of pretend play, and I am finding it very amusing. He was playing with his Little People, and they were "going to Florida".

I remarked, "Wow, there's a lot of people on that plane!", and he answered very matter of factly, "Well, they all want to go!" (Tell me about it, kid).

Lately, he's been attending a lot of birthday parties, so often the Little People are "at a party". Here they are at the party "eating cake". When I asked who was at the party, he gave me the list, "Mi-Mi, Bubba, Mi-Maw, Pop-Pop, Mommy, Daddy, Dee-Dee". I said, "What about those other people? Who are they?" He answered, "Anybody. They just want eat cake!"


There are certain Little People who represent the people in his life, and they are always the same. The fun loving boy with a frog on his shoulder - that's Dylan. I'm the cute tourist girl, who loves to wear sandals. Jim? He's the orange haired pilot, who, also happens to be...a girl! HAHAHAHAHA (At least I think it's a girl. It has long hair. Then again, you should have seen how long Jim's hair was before I met him. Boy, do I have some pictures I could post. (Evil laughter)

*Dylan's latest thing is closing doors behind him. All doors must be shut, I tell you! We were about to go downstairs one morning, when he noticed the door to my bedroom was open. "Wait!", he said, running to shut it. I like the door to be open, because if it is shut, it gets really cold in there. "Dylan, this door needs to be open", I explained, pushing on the door, as he was pulling it. "NO! THE DOOR BE SHUT!!", he screamed. And, that is how a grown woman might find herself screaming "NO! THE DOOR BE OPEN!!" at 7:00 in the morning.