The Grocery Store Blues

With all the warm fuzziness included in the last post, I feel I am entitled to a rant. Luckily I just happen to have something to rant about. I would just like to reiterate this plain and simple fact - I HATE grocery shopping. I must hate it even more than I realized because this is my third post about it. You see, I'm thinking of starting a petition. No, not a petition that states, "Jen will never again be expected to endure the torturous task of grocery shopping", although that would be a pretty darn fantastic petition. You'd sign it for me, right? No, this would be a petition to get rid of those annoying self check out lanes. I am seriously asking here - do any of you use them? At the Giant Eagle I go to, there are probably fourteen of them, or more. Then, there are four regular lanes with actual human beings, and two "this many items or less" lanes.

I never have ten items or less. Sometimes, I cheat. I casually push my cart over and get in line, pushing some items on top of others to hide them, so it looks like less. Then I assume one of two faces. One, the dazed face that suggests I only have half a brain and I cannot count. Two, the mean face that suggests if you question the number of items I have I just might bite your head off.

Most of the time, though, cheating isn't possible. Even though I shop once a week (ridiculous!), my stupid cart is overflowing. There are 3 of us! How much food can we eat?! Oh, and did I mention that my stupid cart has a bum wheel? You know, the one wheel that starts squeaking when you are too far away for it to make sense to get a new cart? Or, the one wheel that pulls the whole darn cart to the left? I get it every.single.time. So, there I am in the ridiculously crowded store, with my squeaky wheel, clutching my coupons and my list, and muttering to myself like a nutcase.

They have those lovely women stationed throughout the store passing out ridiculous things, like pickles and mini chimichangas. If I owned a grocery store, mine would have wine and chocolate stations. That would at least make the trip bearable. I also think that lights should flash and balloons should fall out of the ceiling every 100 customers or so and they should get free groceries.

There are so many types of people at the grocery store who annoy me. There are the shufflers. Those are the ones who seem lost, like they somehow accidentally stumbled into the store, but they have no idea why, and they will just shuffle through the aisles at a snails pace in front of you until they remember.

There are the serenaders. Those are the people who sing along loudly to the tune playing on the store radio. My singing voice sucks, so I hum. What? What are you looking at?

Then there are the socializers. Those are the ones who bump into their sister's neighbor's cousin who "they haven't seen in ages"! They will hug, chat, laugh, and catch up on a years worth of gossip, all while obliviously blocking the aisle.

I go prepared. I have my list. I have my handful of coupons. I know the layout of the store, and still it takes me an hour to get everything. If I have to also pick up something at the pharmacy, and deal with the sea of incompetency? My head just might explode.

After an hour of shopping, there is the 30 minute wait in line. Yes, I've timed it. What else do I have to do, besides read the trash they call magazines these days? I almost always end up in a conversation with another shopper because I need to complain to someone about the garbage on the covers! For instance, People magazine's 2008 Yearbook cover - teeny, tiny photo of President Obama, huge photo of smiling Brad and a very pregnant Angelina. Seriously?! What is wrong with our society?

Then, there are the women's magazines that scream out in bold type "HOW TO...HOW TO...HOW TO..." How to be better, is basically what they are saying. Women have enough insecurities. Why do we need to shell out $5 to feel worse? I haven't bought a women's magazine since 2002. In 2002, I bought one and was amazed by all the ads in it. I decided to do a little experiment. I ripped out every page with an ad. I was left with 13 pages! Thirteen pages telling me how to be better. Never again.

I'm sorry. Let me get back to my point - the petition to get rid of the self check out aisles. I tried using them a handful of times. Each time something went wrong, and I found myself listening to the repeated echo of my "Hello? Some help here?" cries. I realize that they are trying to cut costs, but WHY do they need to? In this economy, people aren't eating out as much. They are staying in, and consequently, buying more groceries. I asked a cashier when the best time to come is to avoid the crowd. After thinking a while, she answered, "Weeknights at dinner time". That's all she could come up with, because it's busy all the time.

When I'm in the grocery store, I start computing in my head, how much time in my life I will actually spend waiting in those lines. It is a depressing thought! If Jim really loved me, he would take over the grocery shopping task, knowing how much I hate it. We'd dine on Spam and Steak um's every night, but I probably wouldn't care.

Grocery Shopping Sagas

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I had issues with the Giant Eagle where I used to live. Strange, scary customers, unbelievably rude cashiers, a very limited selection, and tons of unnecessary crap jamming the already too small aisles, were just a few of my gripes. I ask you, who buys their Steeler gear at a grocery store?!? How about a lawn chair? Weirdos.

Come to think of it, there was an incident at a Giant Eagle I shopped at years ago. At the time, I was single, had an extremely depressing job, and was smack dab in the process of grieving for Doug. I was depressed, stressed, and looking for a fight. Back then, I only shopped once a month, so my cart was overflowing. I found an aisle with only one person ahead of me, and started putting my stuff on the conveyer. As I plunked down the last item, the cashier looked at me and in a very bored tone remarked, "I'm closed now".

"I'm sorry. Did you just tell me you're CLOSED? After you watched me put all this on here?" (me waving my hands wildly)

"I didn't notice you".

"YOU DIDN'T NOTICE ME?! NO, YOU ARE GOING TO RING THIS UP, AND THEN YOU CAN BE CLOSED!"

"No, I'm closed now" (Then she.walked.away.)

I could just about feel the steam coming off the top of my head. I started loudly complaining to customers within earshot. I made a nice little spectacle of myself, and then I left the store in a huff. (Yes, the items were still there). When I got home with no bags, my roommate said, "I thought you went grocery shopping!?" Still in lunatic mode, I screamed, "I DID!!!" Then, I threw stuffed animals against the wall for 20 minutes. "Good Lord, next time, I'll go", she muttered.

Since moving, I was anxious to find a new Giant Eagle, maybe one I actually wouldn't dread going to. I'm sure you are wondering why I don't shop somewhere else. Fuel perks - I love fuel perks. Anyway, there are two fairly close to our new house. My husband insisted that the one is much closer, so I went there last week.

At first I thought I had finally found it. Any store that has the diapers and toddler food in the same aisle as the candy completely understands my needs. But then, I started to notice them. More weird people. Have aliens landed in Pittsburgh, because I swear, people get stranger and stranger around here. I saw a woman wearing her boyfriend's shorts, which were probably 2 sizes too loose for her boyfriend let alone her. She had his belt on too, but still had to HOLD her pants up as she walked around the store. If she had to reach for something high, I was gonna get a full view of her panties.

When I went to leave, there were only 2 aisles open - one regular and one express. Two aisles?! Insanity. The whole time I was waiting in line, the guy bagging groceries was doing a one man routine. Think Robin Williams, but without the funny. "Hey, somebody wants cookies! Better grab some milk! What? No milk? HAR HAR HAR HAR".

Okay, on to Giant Eagle Number 2. Hallelujah! It is huge, with a 24 hr pharmacy, a dry cleaners, a really nice flower section, a place to drop off your kids for babysitting while you shop, people giving out samples all over the store, and friendly cashiers.

When it was my turn, the cashier looked at Dylan in the cart, and asked, "I'm just curious, what aisle did you pick him up in?"
"The weekly specials - thank God it wasn't a buy one get one free deal"
(Laughing) "Hey, have you ever watched that show, Jon and Kate Plus 8?"
"The show that makes everyone feel better about their life? Yea, it's hilarious. Did you see the one where she yells at him for breathing? Blah, Blah, Blah".

This whole exchange may seem unimportant to some, but for someone like me who was used to only being grunted at, "Haf a nice day", which sounded oddly like, "I hope you die", it was BIG. I think I skipped out of that store.